Zuckerberg and friends are the Coldplay of social media. It was great when no one knew who they were, but now it's just the same thing over and over again. Here are some of the idiots that have ruined Facebook.
Romeo & Juliet
Look kids, we all get that you dig each other, but nobody cares. Plus, if things go bad you've got a lot of awkward status updates, pictures and comments to explain to your future significant others. Get the PDAs off our PDAs.
The Captain's Logger
The master of the universe that uses his or her status updates as a daily log. Save the useless information about your cat and pictures of your leftover Arby's Beef 'N Cheddar combo for someplace else. Like Twitter.
This person always appears at the top of your newsfeed, but you know very little about them. That doesn't stop you from viewing all their photos and pretending to not know anything about them when you see them in person.
Friends with subtitles
That one exchange student you met in college who is a regular in your newsfeed....along with all of their status updates, comments on other posts and videos all in foreign languages. You don't need a passport or visa to troll though so clicking that friendly Bing Translate button on each comment is fair game. Snap out of it! Priorities people!
The Tag All-Star
People who tag you as in a picture, but you aren't pictured. It's a random infographic or picture of a celebrity. You were excited, and perhaps a little flattered, to be unexpectedly tagged in a photo and jacked about the Facebook push notification you just got. Thanks to the Tag All Star though you are feeling a little B- now that it's a picture of someone else that you're tagged in. You find these cats on LinkedIn too.
The Most Interesting Man In The World
This person's triumphs are front-page news on your timeline. Base-jumping in the Swiss Alps, fancy car chases in Paris, 50 per cent off all items in the McDonald's Dollar menu are all share-worthy incidents. In reality though they've just hired a freelancer on Elance to do some Photoshop work for them.
The Birthday Boy/Girl
Apple saved the music business with iTunes and Facebook destroyed 123greetings.com with their Birthdays module. I think it's great that you have a birthday today. Congrats on the auspicious occasion. Now if only Facebook would stop reminding us about it that would be great.
Happy Ordinary Tuesday! Happy Friday! Well wishes for a wicked November Wednesday! Happy Take Your Kid To Work Day! This person is all about a Festivus...for the rest of us. And makes sure every day gets lived on purpose.
This person shares every post of another person in your network (usually Mr. Burns). You are blessed to be friends with both people and get the same post twice. You celebrate this good fortune by wiping your tears away with expired lottery tickets.
Parents that post pictures of their kids and their every waking moment. We understand you love your kids. Some of us can even relate to it. We don't know your kids, but we know tons about them. Now if we could only know that much about you so it's not weird anymore.
The person who likes their own comments on posts and status updates. You know this person goes to the gym to get themselves ready in the morning. Not for their morning workout, but to take advantage of the copious amount of mirrors available to them.
The guy who wishes everyone in their Facebook profile a happy birthday. On the surface it's a great gesture. Under the surface? You know the guy is a car sales rep and wants to stay front-of-mind in your lexicon. Only Hallmark should be wishing everyone a happy birthday. Save happy birthdays for the important people in your life. Not for someone who recorded you a mix tape in 1996.
The Duck Hunter
Named after the classic 80's Nintendo game. This character takes any idea, current event or product and shoots it down. Just like a duck hunter. No idea or trending topic gets left behind by the duck hunter. They have an innate ability to criticize both the victim and the perpetrator in any trending topic that may be happening that day. All in addition to being the national spokesperson for Haterade.
The publisher of cryptic status updates. Their updates are open-ended cries for help, attention or adulation, but you can't tell unless you respond. I read a post that said 'I can't believe this happened!' And the comments varied from 'What's wrong?' to 'Amazing!' Both comments are suitable answers. We love cliffhangers in season finales or fall sweeps. Not in our newsfeeds.
We all love the gigantic Facebook sea of virtual humanity. Despite its nonsensical users we are still enamored with its wave of daily news updates.
Even if they are the exact same thing as the day before.