Thanksgiving Thursday is a day to appreciate all the wonderful things we are blessed with. Be it health, family, shelter, a great career or seven unwatched episodes of The A-Team in your Netflix Instant Queue. Black Friday is a day to forget all that crap and shop till you drop. It's the day to really chase after your dream of finally getting printer ink cartridges for 30 percent off. Assembling a team of people to assist with your Black Friday pursuits is the way to go.
Below are the characters you need to align with on Black Friday:
Grandpa Simpson -
The old hat shopaholic who has been to Black Friday sales since their start in the mid-'70s. They educate their shopaholic grandchildren around the fireplace and splurge on war stories. Nothing rings in Black Friday bedlam better than a quiet Thanksgiving night hearing about deals won and bodies buried from years past. Ok so maybe it's a Thanksgiving afternoon this year since Black Friday sales start Thursday night and Grandpa Simpson is in bed by 6:30 p.m.
Sheldon Cooper -
The shroud shopper that knows the best deals come on Cyber Monday, but absent-minded enough to go window-shopping on Black Friday. These people will camp at store sites early to beat the rush. Unfortunately, they are so frail that they just get beat by the rush (translation: trampled on). You need a Sheldon who can quickly use Shopsavvy to scan bar codes for deals and Google Maps to review traffic routes between stores. Sheldon should have stayed with these people on LinkedIn and waited until Cyber Monday.
Video Game Mike Tyson -
Anyone who played Mike Tyson's Punch-Out knows how devastating Tyson was in this game (and throughout 1987 in general). This version is Mike Tyson without the out-of-ring distractions. Just pure Iron Mike at his best. Black Friday is war and so is the boxing ring. There are only so many towels available for 50 percent off. You may need to throw a few punches to get those towels to wipe the Black Friday victory scars off. Who better to do that than this 8-bit fighting machine?
George Costanza -
The person with the fat wallet and all of the loyalty cards. You need that frivolous and neurotic person on your shopping team that loves to make incredible time and keep your shopping itinerary on schedule. Plus you never know when you may need a fake marine biologist. Anything can happen on Black Friday.
Lex Luthor -
No one would be able to get you to the front of the line at any store faster than the world's greatest white-collar criminal (not to mention ex-president). This guy, comes with his bratty kids five minutes before opening, slips $500 to the Sheldon Coopers at the front of the line and walks in like he owns the place. Who are we kidding? He probably does.
Andre The Giant -
That's the wrestler. Not the tennis player. They call him the eighth wonder of the world because of his height... and he can see deals from a mile away. That strategic view of all available deals in the retail terrain is a key cog for your Black Friday organizational chart. Ladies, he's also a great person to hide behind if you ever get into a quarrel over a makeup bag.
Officer Franklin -
Tasers are to Black Friday what pizza is to the Super Bowl. Officer Franklin, The Hangover cop, is either off-duty looking for deals or the hired help to protect store clerks from being caught in friendly fire. We know he's based in Las Vegas (not exactly suburbia), but we are sure there are some good Black Friday deals in Sin City. Officer Franklin has the tools to make sure he gets all of them.
Forrest Gump -
Run, Forrest, Run... from one store to another... like the herd of other Black Friday shoppers. Aren't you surprised more shoe stores don't have pre-Black Friday running shoe sales? Think about all of those people who never exercise all year, and now force their body through dead sprints from one store to another. You can give people free gym memberships, P90x, thigh masters and public parks to exercise in and they won't budge. Put a 20 percent discount on video games across the aisle from a 2-for-1 deal on silverware and you'll see them run and slide faster than Derek Jeter.
Hoke Colburn -
The domesticated designated driver for the shopaholic. The affable Hoke cracks witty jokes and controls the Pandora while Ms. Daisy and her associates gallivant around town looking for deals on TVs and clothes. He's one of the poor saps that has to wait until Cyber Monday to get his perceived deals. For now he's Driving Ms. Daisy through The Hunger Games of Black Friday madness.
Dennis The Menace -
That hell-raising prepubescent kid that can detour any Black Friday trip with a 1) plea for the potty, 2) sudden burst of appetite (for food or destruction) and of course, 3) a Dairy Queen run. Actually I think I'd rather do all of those things, then attend a Black Friday sale. For various reasons, but the main one being I'm quite certain to not die doing anyone of those things (although too much Dairy Queen may not be a good thing).
Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi -
The most tragic twist to all Black Friday encounters. Best friends turned enemies when there is only one Ways Of The Force For Dummies book left. A ferocious battle ensues with the winner triumphantly scanning the book through self-checkout. Not to mention confidently getting the scanner to register the code on the very first try. That's right... without waiting for assistance. The loser will have to wait until Cyber Monday and arrange a date with free two-day shipping on Amazon Prime. It may as well be Christmas by the time the book arrives. If only they had the high ground.
We all love a good deal whenever we can get it, Black Friday or not. Please, for the love of God and all other deities, be civil this Black Friday. Go after your lifelong dream of a 30 percent storewide markdown at the Apple store with as much sportsmanship as you do intensity.
Also try to dream a little bigger.
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